SUPERBOWL SUNDAY 2/5/2006
IT ALL STARTED AROUND SUPER BOWL WEEKEND WHEN MY ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, GEORGE TOLD ME HE WASN’T FEELING WELL AND HE THOUGHT HE HAD ANOTHER CASE OF BRONCHITIS. HAVING A PREVIOUS HISTORY OF YEARLY BRONCHIAL EVENTS, HE SEEMS TO HAVE A PROCLIVITY TOWARD GETTING BRONCHITIS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR. THE FACT THAT HE HAS DIABETES, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND A QUADRUPLE BYPASS ALSO MAKES HIS IMMUNE SYSTEM WEAKER THAN NORMAL.
HE ALSO COMMENTED THAT OUR BUDDY FRANK (WHO LIVED BELOW GEORGE IN THEIR APT COMPLEX) WAS COMPLAINING OF CONSTANT COUGH AND THOUGHT HE TOO HAD PICKED UP BRONCHITIS FROM SCHOOL. FRANK TEACHES GRADE SCHOOL PHYS ED IN AN URBAN ENVIRONMENT WHERE THE KIDS DON’T PRACTICE THE BEST HYGENE SO IT’S NOT UNCOMMON FOR THE TEACHERS TO GET VARIOUS ILLNESSES.
GEORGE DID HIS DUE DILIGENCE AND GOT HIS ANTIBIOTICS AND FOLLOWED THE DRS ORDERS TO GET HIS REST. FRANK JUST KEPT COUGHING FIGURING IT WOULD RUN ITS COURSE AND HE’D BE FINE.
FEBRUARY 2006
THE WINTER HAS BEEN ROUGH ON ME SINCE I WAS LAID OFF IN EARLY DECEMBER OF 2005. ALL OF MY ENERGIES HAVE BEEN FOCUSED ON GETTING INTERVIEWS. GEORGE HAS BEEN KEEPING ME UPDATED ON FRANK’S PENDING DIVORCE AND KEEPS MENTIONING THAT FRANK CAN’T SHAKE HIS DAMN COUGH. I CASUALLY MAKE REFERENCE TO THE FACT THAT A COUGH WITHOUT ANY OTHER SYMPTOMS THAT HASN’T GONE AWAY IN A FEW WEEKS WOULD MAKE ME WORRY. I MEAN COME ON IT COULD BE LUNG CANCER. ANYWAY, FRANK IS TOO STUBBORN TO SEE A DR AND IS CONCENTRATING HIS TIME ON HIS GIRLFRIEND ANNE AND HIS IMPENDING DIVORCE.
GEORGE IS NOTICING THAT FRANK ISN’T AS OUTGOING AS USUAL AND SEEMS MORE CONTENT TO SIT AROUND THE APT AFTER SCHOOL, AS THE COUGH SEEMS TO HAVE SAPPED SOME OF HIS STRENGTH.
FRANK’S DIVORCE WAS FINALIZED ON 2/14 AND YET HE DOESN’T SEEM THE SAME OLD PARTY GUY WHO WILL LET US CELEBRATE HIS NEW FOUND FREEDOM. IT SEEMS LIKE GEORGE AND I HAVE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ON THE PHONE LAMENTING THE FACT THAT FRANK IS JUST NOT RIGHT. WE EXPECTED THAT WHEN THE DIVORCE WAS FINALIZED WE’D BE DOING ‘GUY STUFF’. INSTEAD, HE SEEMS MELLOW AND IS SATISFIED TO SPEND QUIET TIME WITH ANNIE. GEORGE KEEPS HOUNDING FRANK TO SEE A DR BUT FRANK HAS NEVER BEEN SICK SO HE ACTS LIKE IT’S STILL NO BIG DEAL. AGAIN, HE TELLS GEORGE THAT HIS COUGH WILL SOON PASS.
MARCH 2006
AFTER NOT SEEING FRANK SINCE DEC 22ND AT THE LOCAL GIN MILL FOR ADULT BEVERAGES, WE FINALLY MEET UP FOR GEORGE’S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY ON SATURDAY 3/12 IN THE LATE AFTERNOON. FRANK AND I GREETED EACH OTHER WITH THE STANDARD “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU” AND HE PROBABLY PUNCHED ME IN MY UPPER ARM. I ASKED HOW HE WAS FEELING AND HE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT THE COUGH BUT HE THOUGHT HE WAS GETTING BETTER. DURING THE BIRTHDAY LUNCHEON HIS GIRLFRIEND ANNIE SAID SHE HAD FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO SEE A DR AND FRANK HAS BEGRUDGINGLY AGREED. I ASKED IF HE WANTED TO ATTEND A ST PADDY’S PARTY THAT NIGHT BUT HE WAS TIRED FROM THE PARADE AND WOULD PROBABLY CHILL OUT AT HOME. HINDSIGHT IS 20/20 BUT SOMETHING WAS SEEMING NOT RIGHT HERE. HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S LOST WEIGHT AND DOESN’T SEEM AS TONED OR ENERGETIC.
THE REST OF THE MONTH MOVES ALONG MOSTLY WITH GEORGE GIVING ME DAILY UPDATES ON HOW FRANK DOESN’T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE POST DIVORCE DEBAUCHERY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SINCE HE GOT DIVORCED. IS HE THAT INTO ANNIE OR IS HE NOT FEELING WELL? GEORGE IS GETTING CONCERNED THAT FRANK MAY BE MORE STUBBORN THAN HIM.
APRIL 2006
WEDNESDAY 4/5
GEORGE CALLS ME AND IS ALL UPSET CAUSE FRANK HAS BLOOD IN HIS URINE…ALONG WITH HIS CONTINUED COUGH. FRANK HAS HAD KIDNEY STONES BEFORE SO HE RELUCTANTLY SETS UP A DR APPT WITH GEORGE’S PHYSICIAN FOR THURSDAY MORNING.
THURSDAY 4/6
THE DR MEETS WITH FRANK AND GEORGE SAYS THAT FRANK NEED GET A BATTERY OF TESTS AND THEY ARE SCHEDULED FOR 2:30 ON FRIDAY APRIL 7TH.
FRIDAY APRIL 7TH
GEORGIE CALLS ME LATE IN THE MORNING AND TELLS ME HE THINKS FRANK HAS HAD A MILD STROKE. WHAT? HE SAID THAT AROUND 9:00ISH FRANK WAS PLAYING A VIDEO GAME AND SUDDENLY HIS EYES WEREN’T SEEING PROPERLY, THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS FACE AND LIPS WENT NUMB. FRANK IMMEDIATELY WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND GOT ANNIE AND SHE TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL. AFTER MYRIAD TESTS AND WAITING, HE WAS FINALLY ADMITTED AFTER 1:00AM SATURDAY MORNING AS A STROKE PATIENT.
NOW I’M WORRIED. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT AND I’M THINKING BAD THOUGHTS. I VISITED FRANK THAT AFTERNOON AND HE LOOKED SCARED BUT OK. HE DID SAY HIS BLOOD COUNT WAS LOW, PROBABLY ANEMIA FROM A POOR DIET. THE DRS SAID HE ALSO HAD INFLAMED LYMPH NODES THAT WERE PROBABLY CAUSING THE COUGHING BUT THEY WERE WORRIED THAT HIS BODY WAS FIGHTING AN INFECTION.
SAT 4/6
EARLIER IN THE MORNING, GEORGE CALLED AND SAID THAT ONE OF THE HOSPITAL DRS HIM AND FRANK’S COUSIN, BOB, THAT MOST OF THE TIME THESE SYMPTOMS MEAN LUNG CANCER BUT THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANY BLOOD WORK BACK TO ANALYZE. ANOTHER DR RULED OUT ANY CANCER SO THAT MADE US FEEL BETTER.
I WAS DOING LAUNDRY SUNDAY MORNING AND I WAS TALKING WITH ONE OF MY APT NEIGHBORSWHO IS A NURSE AND TOLD HER THE SYMPTOMS. HER FIRST THOUGHT WAS THOSE ARE ALWAYS CANCER. THAT SCARED ME. MY MOM DIED OF LUNG CANCER AND MAYBE I’M OVER REACTING BUT IT SURE LOOKS MORE AND MORE LIKE THIS COULD BE BAD NEWS. GEORGE AND I ARE NOW WORRIED THAT THE DRS MAY BE ONLY LOOKING AT HIM AS STROKE PATIENT AND NOT DOING OTHER TESTS.
THE TESTS HAVE TAKEN A LOT OUT OF FRANK AND THERE IS AN IMPORTANT ONE CALLED A BRONCHOSCOPY THAT HE WON’T LET THEM DO CAUSE IT HURTS. I’VE BEEN TOLD THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE CAUSE THEY MIGHT BE ABLE FIND OUT THE CAUSE OF THE INFECTION. FRANK HAS MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE JUST WANTS TO GET OUT ASAP.
4/10-4/15 MON-SAT
GEORGE AND I WERE IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL ALL WEEK AND TRIED TO STAGGER OUR VISITS SO WE WEREN’T THERE AT THE SAME TIME. WE TALKED A LOT ON THE PHONE AND THROUGH OUR COLLECTIVE FEARS WE DID START TO SENSE THAT FRANK WAS GETTING BETTER. BUT HE STILL LOOKED A BIT PALE AND WE WERE HOPING ONCE THE INFECTION WENT AWAY AND HE GOT THE ANEMIA UNDER CONTROL, HE COULD START TO WORKOUT.
BUT SOMETHING IS MISSING – HE JUST DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT. THERE IS ONE LINGERING ISSUE THAT WON’T GO AWAY. ANNIE TOLD GEO THAT FRANK SAYS HE IS SPITTING UP BLOOD BUT WON’T TELL THE DRS CAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO STAY ANY LONGER IN THE HOSPITAL. THAT IS TOO MUCH OF A RED FLAG TO IGNORE. IF I WERE SPITTING UP BLOOD I’D BE ALL OVER THE DRS CASE TO FIND OUT WHAT’S UP.
FINALLY, ON THE SAT BEFORE EASTER, FRANK WAS RELEASED AND HE TOLD THE DRS THAT HE WOULD SCHEDULE APPTS WITH A PROCTOLOGIST AND UROLOGIST TO SEE IF THERE ARE ANY BLOCKAGES CAUSING THE STOMACH ACHES AND THE BLOOD IN THE URINE.
TUES 4/18
GEORGE DROVE FRANK TO THE UROLOGIST AND AFTER THE TESTS; THEY DIDN’T SEE ANY BLOCKAGES SO THAT IS FINALLY GOOD NEWS.
WED 4/19
GEORGIE CALLED LATE THIS MORNING TO SAY THAT FRANK WAS ADMITTED AFTER SPITTING UP ‘GOBS OF BLOOD WITH WHITE STUFF’. FRANK AWAKENED AROUND 3:00 IN PAIN AND WAS SPITTING UP BLOOD AND WAS RIGHTFULLY SCARED. HE CALLED GEORGE AND HE DROVE FRANK TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AT 3:30. NOW, I’M NERVOUS, THIS CAN’T BE GOOD. MAYBE THE FIRST DR WHO SAW HIM THAT SATURDAY NIGHT AND HE HAS LUNG CANCER. ALL I KNOW IS THAT SINCE HE WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL THE FIRST TIME HE HASN’T GOTTEN ANY BETTER.
I COULDN’T SEE FRANK TILL FRIDAY SO GEORGIE AND ANNIE WERE VISITING AND UPDATING ME ON THE PHONE. THE DRS ARE DOING LOTS OF TESTS AND GIVING FRANK ANTIBIOTICS AND A BLOOD TRANSFUSION TO GET HIS BLOOD COUNT STABILIZED.
FRIDAY 4/21
I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL AROUND 5:30 AND FRANK’S EX-WIFE WAS IN THE ROOM AND WE ALL MADE NICE CAUSE FRANK DOESN’T NEED ANY CONFRONTATION WHEN HE’S NOT FEELING WELL. ANNIE THEN WALKED AND WHEW…TALK ABOUT A TENSION CONVENTION. I WENT BACK OUTSIDE WITH HER AND TOLD FRANK WE WERE GOING TO THE CAFÉ FOR A WHILE AND WOULD SEE HIM LATER.
WE BOUGHT A COUPLE OF SODAS AND TRIED TO MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL LIKE THE SITUATION WASN’T TOO SERIOUS. SHE SAID THAT FRANK TOLD HER THE DRS SAID IT WASN’T CANCER BUT THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING ALL KINDS OF TEST. MOST IMPORTANTLY WAS THE BRONCHOSCOPY THAT WOULD PROBABLY PINPOINT THE BLEEDING. THE DR THINKS THE TEST RESULTS SHOULD BE READY BY MONDAY.
I ESCORTED ANNIE BACK UP STAIRS AND BY THEN MAURA WAS GONE. I SAID GOODBYES TO FRANK SO HE COULD SPEND TIME WITH ANNIE. AS I LEFT I HAD A GNAWING FEELING THAT WHAT EVER WAS MAKING FRANK SICK WASN’T ‘JUST GOING AWAY’.
4/23 SUNDAY
I SPENT A COUPLE OF HRS IN THE LATE AFTERNOON HAVING DINNER WITH HIM AND EXCHANGING SMALL TALK. HE’S DEFINITELY NERVOUS BUT WE ALL FEEL LIKE WHEN THE TEST RESULTS COME BACK WE’LL GET CLOSURE AND BE ABLE TO GET HIM HOME. HOPEFULLY THE ANEMIA IS THE CAUSE AND MAYBE THE BLOOD THINNER HE’S TAKIN FOR THE STROKE IS AT THE ROOT OF HIS SPITTIN UP BLOOD. WHY AM I TRYING SO HARD TO PAINT A ROSY PICTURE THAT I DON’T BELIEVE?
4/24 MONDAY
FRANK IS CONFIDENT THAT HE’LL GO HOME TODAY AFTER HE GETS THE TEST RESULTS SO I’LL WAIT TO CALL HIM WHEN GEO SAYS HE’S HOME. AROUND 6:30 GEORGIE SAYS THAT THE TESTS CAME BACK LATE AND THAT HOPEFULLY FRANK WILL BE RELEASED TUESDAY MORNING
4/25/ TUESDAY
GEORGE CALLED ME AROUND 11:30 WITH THE WORST POSSIBLE WORDS I COULD HAVE IMAGINED - FRANK HAS LUNG CANCER. OH, MY GOD. THE ENORMITY OF THOSE WORDS HITS ME RIGHT IN THE STOMACH. NOW, MY WORST FEARS HAVE COME TRUE. DISBELIEF. HOLLOWNESS. DESPAIR. IT’S A DEATH SENTENCE. GEO SAYS IT’S STAGE III INOPERABLE SMALL CELL CARCINOMA. I IMMEDIALTELY GO THE ‘NET FOR INFO AND IT’S BAD NEWS.
FRANK CALLS ME ABOUT 15 MINUTES LATER AND I TRY TO ACT INNOCENT AND ASK HIM “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” THEN HE TELLS ME HE HAS LUNG CANCER. I TRY TO ACT COOL AND SAY SOME TYPICAL GUY THING LIKE WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP AND WE’LL HELP YOU FIGHT. HE ASKS ME TO LOOK UP THE DISEASE AND CALL HIM BACK. HE IS ACTING A BIT DISTANT ON THE PHONE IN FACT ALMOST NONCHALANT AS HE RELAYS THE NEWS. HE HAS TO BE IN A STATE OF SHOCK. I LOOK UP THE DISEASE AND THE STAGES AND I REALIZE…I CAN’T CALL HIM BACK. I TELL GEORGIE THAT I’M NOT GOING TO TELL FRANK THAT IT SAYS THE LIFE EXPECTANCY IS ABOUT ONE YR. THAT’S THE DRS JOB. OMG, I CALL DALE AND TELL HER I’M SCARED, SAD, FRIGHTENED AND CRUSHED. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL KNOWING THAT MY BUDDY IS IN FOR A FIGHT THAT HE ISN’T GONNA WIN?
I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL AROUND 5:30ISH AND IN THE ROOM WAS BOB LINCOLN AND HIS WIFE BONNIE, ANNE’S FRIENDS, JACK AND EILEEN AND GEORGE. FRANK LOOKED PALE, SALLOW, WITH A PALLOR LOOK TO HIS FACE. WE ALL TRIED TO MAKE SMALL TALK AND PRESENT A SENSE OF NORMALCY.
AFTER THE COUPLES LEFT IT WAS JUST THE THREE OF US. FRANK CLOSED HIS EYES FOR A FEW MINUTES AND THEN LOOKED AT ME AND SAID - “DID U EVER THINK THE 3 OF US WOULD BE IN THE HOSPITAL LIKE THIS LOOKING AT ME?” WITH GEORGE’S DIABETES, HEART DISEASE, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND OVERWEIGHT CONDITION, FRANK AND I ALWAYS WONDERED WHEN AND IF GEO WOULD LAST MORE THAN A FEW MORE YEARS. NOW, WE’RE SITTING HERE LOOKING AT FRANK HOOKED UP TO TUBES AS HE CONTEMPLATES HIS MORTALITY.
I COULDN’T SLEEP ALL NIGHT AS I OBSESSED ABOUT THIS DEATH SENTENCE. I SAW MY MOM DIE OF THIS DISEASE AND FRANK HAS A BATTLE AHEAD OF HIM THAT ONLY HE CAN IMAGINE. I’M NOT GONNA TELL HIM WHAT MY MOM SUFFERED FROM.
WED 4/26
I AM BACK AT THE HOSPITAL BY 10:00 AM SO I CAN HAVE A FEW QUIET MOMENTS WITH FRANK. HE THEN TELLS ME THE CANCER HAS PROGRESSED TO STAGE IV AS HE HAS SPOTS ON HIS LIVER. AND, OH, YEAH, IT’S NON SMALL CELL WHICH I FIND LATER IS EVEN WORSE. THE DR SAYS HE HAS AN AGGRESSIVE FORM OF CANCER. HE LOOKS PALE AND BEWILDERED. HE TALKS ABOUT PUTTING IN HIS RETIREMENT PAPERS AND BUYING HIS SAILBOAT BUT HE WON’T GET TOO PERSONAL. HE HAS THAT FAR AWAY LOOK IN HIS EYE(SOLDIERS CALL IT THE 1000 YD STATE) AND SAYS THAT HE IS WORKING WITH BOB TO GO HOME SO HE CAN GET TRANSFERRED TO SLOAN KETTERING. HE KNOWS HE HAS TO GET THINGS DONE FAST CAUSE OF THE VIRULENCE OF THE CANCER. HE IS CONSTANTLY BEING INTERUPPTED WITH PHONE CALLS AND AFTER ABOUT ½ HR OF THIS, I LEAVE CAUSE HE IS SCHEDULED FOR ANOTHER TEST. I MAKE IT TIME TO ATTEND 12:00 MASS. I ASK FOR THE BLESSED MOTHER TO TOUCH FRANK SO THAT HE WON’T FEEL LIKE HE IS ALONE
AT DINNER THAT NIGHT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, DALE MARIE, WE TALK ABOUT HER BEST FRIEND WHO DIED OF LEUKEMIA, JANICE. SHE ALWAYS WAS WAITING FOR A RELATIVE TO DIE SO SHE COULD GET HER MONEY AND WHEN SHE FINALLY DID SHE WAS DIAGNOSED AND DEAD WITHIN A YEAR. YOU GOTTA LIVE LIFE EACH DAY AND APPRECIATE IT AS A GIFT. FRANK WAS ALWAYS WAITING TO SPEND HIS INHERITANCE AND LIVE ON A BOAT AND NOW THIS. GOD, THIS HURTS. I HAVE NEVER LOST AN ADULT FRIEND AND I KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO END IT’S JUST A CASE OF HOW LONG AND HOW MUCH WILL HE SUFFER.
AFTER DINNER WE VISIT MY BROTHER AND HIS FAMILY AS MARK AND I NEED TIME TO PROCESS THE NEWS AND COMMISERATE ABOUT FRANK’S FATE.
THURSDAY 4/27
Frank thinks he may get discharged at any minute so I don’t plan to see him today. Geo keeps me updated on the phone and he’ll take frank home when he gets the ok.
At this point, Geo and frank are working toward getting all of his records together for sloan-kettering. Geo and I also discuss that while in the hospital Geo needs to be Frank’s advocate. Frank is drugged and obviously not thinking straight so Geo has to out for frank.
Geo gets him home in the late morning and frank goes to bed as he is worn out. Geo did say how slowly frank walked and that was the worst part watching how the cancer has affected his strength.
We both agree the long term prognosis is bad and we need each other to sort out our feelings. The only thing we know is that we need to be strong around him and project a sense that we can beat it together.
Whew, I’m shot mentally. Since I heard the news all I obsess about is frank and his battle. I keep praying that he has faith and will look to Jesus and Mary for comfort and strength. Each person has to have inner strength from somewhere and I don’ t care where he goes but he needs it.
Friday 4/28
Geo calls throughout the day and we try to quantify and describe our feelings of pending loss and the accompanying fears. We have never had an adult friend die and the whole topic is making us sick.
Geo took Frank out for a few errands and what Geo was how frail Frank was walking and climbing stairs. The tumors are affecting his respitorary system and the characteristic energy of Frank has been sapped.
George stops by at Frank’s apartment after dinner and piled on the sofa is all of Frank’s Shillelagh club gear. George asks why is the equipment there and Frank says he has to return it. George asks why and Frank responds, “you know why”. He is finally starting to express little hints that he understands the situation.
George says Frank is not happy with the attitude of his kids, as they don’t seem to get that he’s very sick. His son is worried that his money won’t get transferred to his account at school and his daughter doesn’t even call. The divorce has seemed to leave a deep rift in the family and even this fight for their Dad’s life is not making them any more empathetic.
Sat 4/29
Frank calls me at 10:30 asking to find him an opthamologist in the area. He won’t tell me why so I don’t ask. Geo is his confidant and if he wants to act strong around me that is fine cause I’ll find out everything from him anyway. Geo finally calls at 2:00 and says that Frank has had a TROUBLE WITH DOUBLE VISION IN HIS right eye since the stroke. To see better he actually puts a piece of tape over the lens and then he can see clearly. Ugh, my first thought is that the cancer is in his brain affecting his eyesight but of course I’m always looking for the negative.
The Dr says that Frank needs to see a macular specialist but Frank says he’ll wait till after his chemo session.
While they are driving around, Frank says that he wants to teach again in the Fall and that having a goal will help his fight.
Wow, the emotional roller coaster of emotions has to be taking a toll. Frank right now prefers less visitors at this apt so I am content to speak with him on the phone and have Geo keep me up to date.
SUN 4/30
DALE AND I WENT TO CHURCH AND LIT A CANDLE FOR FRANK. WITH MY JOB PROSPECTS DIM, FRANK DIAGNOSED WITH TERMINAL CANCER AND MY WORRY THAT DALE MIGHT LEAVE ME CAUSE OF THE JOB SITUATION, IT’S MY FAITH THAT KEEPS ME GROUNDED.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO LUNCH WITH FRANK AND GEO AROUND 1:00 BUT FRANK IS TIRED SO WE’LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW AROUND 4:30 AT CHARLIE BROWN’S. ONE INTERESTING NOTE ABOUT MY CALL WITH FRANK IS THAT HE SAID HE’S NOT SEEING DOUBLE. HE HAS A ‘GREY’ SPOT OVER THE LOWER LEFT CORNER OF HIS RIGHT EYE. AND AS HE SAID HE WOULD SEE THE OTHER DR WHEN HE HAS THIS SITUATION UNDER CONTROL. HE CAN’T SAY THE WORD CANCER TO ME LATELY AS IF HE DOESN’T SAY IT THEN IT’S NOT REAL. ALL I KEEP THINKING IS HOW WOULD I HANDLE THIS AND I PRAY THAT I WILL NEVER KNOW.
GEO CALLED AFTER DINNER AND SAID HE WAS DOWN IN FRANK’S APT FOR AWHILE AND HE KEPT CLOSING HIS RIGHT EYE AS THEY TALKED. GEO ALSO NOTICES THAT FRANK SEEMS CONSTANTLY DISTRACTED AN UNABLE TO FOCUS. IS IT THE DRUGS OR THE CANCER…WE WONDER? FRANK ALSO SAID ANNIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT HIS APT AT 1:30 AND AS OF 5:30 SHE HADN’T SHOWN UP. HE REALY RELIES ON HER TO FOR HIS SANITY.
BOB AND FRANK’S SISTER, CAROL, WHO ARRIVED TODAY, WILL TAKE FRANK INTO SLOAN ON WEDNESDAY.
MON 5/1
CAROL TOOK FRANK AROUND TOWN FOR VARIOUS ERRANDS AND HE WAS SO TIRED THAT HE CALLED ME AROUND 3:30 AND SAID HE DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT. THIS CANCER IS MORE DEBILITATING THAN ALL OF US EXPECTED. HE IS BEING AFFECTED AS HE HAS TROUBLE WALKING THE FEW STEPS UP TO HIS APT. GEO DROPPED DOWN TO VISIT HIM AND NOTICED HOW PALE AND DESPONDENT HE LOOKED.
TUES 5/2
QUIET DAY. GEO SAID THAT FRANK WOULD MEET THE TEAM OF DRS AT THE SLOAN OUTPATIENT CENTER IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER AT 3:00PM WED TO REVIEW HIS RECORDS AND PLAN THE PROTOCOLS OF TREATMENT. HE DOESN’T EXPECT TO GET ADMITTED AS THE FIRST CHEMO COULD BE ADMINISTERED IN JERSEY AT ST CLARE’S IN DENVILLE. HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET THE TRUE EXTENT OF THE DISEASE AFTER HE MEETS THE ONCOLOGIST SPECIALISTS.
WED 5/3
HAVEN’T HEARD ANYTHING ALL DAY. HOPE NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS.
10:00PM – SCHUMACHER FINALLY CALLS WITH AN UPDATE AND IT AINT GOOD. THE DRS HAVE ADMITTED FRANK TO THE MAIN SLOAN HOSPITAL ON YORK AVE WITH A HIGH FEVER AND ACCELERATED HEART RATE (177BEATS/MIN). CHEMO CAN’T BE ADMINISTERED UNTIL THE HEART RATE IS NORMALIZED AND THE CAUSE OF INFECTION IS DISCOVERED. IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE THERE IS AN EXCUSE TO PUSH BACK THE CHEMO.
THURS 5/4
GEO CALLED ME AT 6:45AM AFTER SPEAKING WITH FRANK FOR ABOUT 40 MIN. FRANK DOESN’T REMEMBER ANY OF THE DISCUSSIONS YESTERDAY THAT SEEMS ODD UNLESS THE DRUGS ARE SO POWERFUL THEY AFFECT HIS MEMORY. AFTER THE CALL I SPOKE WITH DALE AND THE WHOLE SITUATION IS UPSETTING ME. WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING. YEAH, I’M PRAYING ALL OF THE TIME AND ASKING FOR JESUS TO TOUCH FRANK SO THAT HE CAN HAVE THE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH TO FACE THIS BATTLE.
LATER IN THE MORNING ICALLED JOANNE, ONE OF OUR FRIEND’S FROM THE 70S WHO IS AN RN. I RAN BY HER WHAT’S GOING AND SHE DID SAY THAT CHEMO IS AN EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR HIS KIND OF CANCER.
GEO S/W BOB AGAIN AND THE DRS WILL SCHEDULE 4 TESTS TO GET A 365 VIEW OF THE BODY AS A BETA BEFORE THE FIRST CHEMO. THAT WAY WHEN HE GETS THE 2ND TREATMENT THEY’LL BE ABLE TO SEE IF THE CANCER HAS SHRUNK. THE TREATMENT WILL BE ADMINISTERED EVERY 3 WEEKS. AND HE’LL GO TO SLOAN FOR HIS CHEMO SO THEY CAN ALSO GIVE HIM ANY EXPERIMENTAL DRUGS THEY THINK WOULD BE WORTH TRYING. MAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG HARD ROAD FOR FRANK. WE’LL BE THERE FOR HIM BUT IT AINT GOING TO BE EASY.
FRIDAY 5/5
MORE CHANGES. NOW HE’S NOT LEAVING TILL MONDAY SO WE’LL DRIVE IN SUNDAY FOR A VISIT. THE FEVER IS STILL LINGERING AND THE HEART RATE IS ALMOST NORMAL. DRS FOUND CANCER CELLS IN THE SPINE BUT SAID THE CHEMO SHOULD KILL THEM. MOIRA AND FRANKLIN VISITED TODAY AND SHE CAUSED MORE SCENES. SHE IS TRYING TO TELL THE DRS THAT SHE IS THE WIFE. ALL SHE DOES IS BUTT IN WHERE SHE DOESN’T BELONG AND IT ALWAYS AFFECTS FRANK. SHE IS TRYING TO CONVINCE THE DRS THAT SINCE SHE IS THE MOM OF HIS KIDS SHE DESERVES TO BE NOTIFIED. ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS HAVE HER OUT OF HIS LIFE. SHE WON’T LEAVE AND IT HURTS HIM. BOB HAS TOLD FRANK THAT HE’LL MAKE SURE THAT MOIRA WON’T BE INVOLVED IN ANY CARE DECISIONS.
SAT 5/6
QUIET DAY. FRANK CALLED ME THIS MORNING AND HE THINKS HE’S STABILIZING AND WANTS ME TO BRING IN ANNE TOMORROW. HE WANTS TO GET OUT AND MISSES OUR COMPANY.
I KEEP ASKING THE BLESSED MOTHER TO TOUCH HIM SO HE WILL ASK FOR A MIRACLE.
SUNDAY 5/7
A DAY OF MIXED EMOTIONS. GEO AND I ARE MORE REALISTIC AND ANNIE IS UPBEAT ALL DAY. I DRIVE ANNIE AND GEO INTO SLOAN KETTERING.
MY IMPRESSION OF FRANK IS THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A CANCER PATIENT. HE’S GAUNT, HIS SKIN IS SALLOW, HE’S LOST WEIGHT AND MOST OF ALL THE LACK OF ENERGY IS WHAT PUTS ME OFF. HE TAKES ALL OF HIS ENERGY TO GET OUT OF BED. HE IS OBVIOUSLY DRUGGED AND CLOSES HIS EYES A LOT. HE SEEMS TO BE MASKING THE PAIN BUT IT’S APPARENT THAT HE’S IN PAIN. HE ALSO APOLOGIZES FOR HIS NON-SEQUITORS AND BLAMES IT ON HIS DRUGS. IT HURTS ME TO WATCH HIM WALK DOWN THE HALL CAUSE HE SHUFFLES AND STOPS LIKE AN OLD MAN…OR CANCER PATIENT.
WE STAY FOR ABOUT 4 HRS AND EVEN SAT ON THE 15TH FLOOR VERANDA. WHEN HE WAS SEATED ON THE BENCH AND TRIED TO GET UP I OFFERED MY HAND AND HE SAID NO, I’D RATHER DO IT MYSELF WHILE I CAN. THAT ONE HIT HOME.
WE LET ANNIE AND FRANK HAVE 15 MIN ALONE AND WE SAT IN THE TV ROOM DISCUSSING HIS CONDITION.
IT HURT WHEN HE HUGGED GOODBYE…THIS ONCE STRONG AND PROUD MAN WAS SKIN AND BONES AND FELT AS FRAIL AS AN OLD GRANDMA. MAYBE I’M EXXAGERATTING A BIT BUT HE FELT LIKE HIS STRENGTH IS EBBING.
MONDAY 5/8
I GOT A CALL FROM GEO AND BOB ASKS US TO DRIVE IN AND BRING HIM HOME. WE’LL MEET THEM AND THE 4 OF US WILL GO HOME TOGETHER.
AGAIN, HE WALKS IN A LABORED FASHION AND LOOKS SICK. I BRING THE CAR AROUND AND WE LOAD HIM IN FOR THE RIDE HOME. WE DID GO HOME VIA THE RIVERSIDE DR TO THE GW BRIDGE. RIVERSIDE IS A BEAUTIFUL RIDE AS THE STREETS ARE LINED WITH OLD TREES AND STATELY BROWNSTONES.
DURING THE RIDE HE ADMITS THE DRUGS ARE AFFECTING HIS ABILITY TO PROCESS AND HE KNOWS HE SAYS UNRELATED STATEMENTS. BUT HE SAYS THE DRUGS ARE NEEDED CAUSE HE’S IN CONSTANT PAIN. HE THANKS US FOR ALL OF THE HELP AND WE TELL HIM WHEN HE GETS BETTER THAT HE OWES US BIG TIME.
THE ONE THAT HURTS THE MOST IS WHEN HE SAYS THAT IN QUIET TIMES HE ASKS ‘WHY ME’? WHY DID I GET CANCER…THERE IS A TINGE OF BITTERNESS IN HIS VOICE. THE FIRST TIME I HEAR HIM REALLY CONFRONT THE DEMONS.
AFTER WE PARK I HELP HIM OUT OF THE CAR AND HIS FRAILTY AND LACK OF STRENGTH HIT ME AGAIN. IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE THIS ONCE STRONG AND PROUD MAN HELPLESS. HE IS EMBARRASSED AT HIS NEED FOR HELP. WE LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT WE ARE THERE FOR HIM WITHOUT CONDITIONS.
BOB AND GEO STAY THERE TO GET HIM SETTLED AND POST HIS PILL SCHEDULE. BOB WANTS TO STAY AND GET HIM CAUGHT UP ON HIS BILLS AND FIGURE OUT HIS FINANCES. I’M LEAVIN CAUSE I’M ONLY GOING TO GET IN THE WAY. MY HUG GOOD BYE ELICITS THE SAME AWFUL FEELING OF THE FRAILITY CAUSED BY THE DEVASTATION OF THIS DISEASE. HE ‘S BEING EATEN AWAY FROM THE INSIDE.
TUES 5/9
HE HAS A DAY OFF BEFORE CHEMO AND SPENDS THE DAY SLEEPING AND GETTING HIS STRENGTH
WED 5/10
BOB TAKES HIM IN TO THE FACILITY IN ROCK CENTER. HE MEETS WITH HIS ONCOLOGIST AND THEN SITS THROUGH A 6 HR SESSION ATTACHED TO AN IV DRIP. TWICE THE CHEMO HAD TO BE STOPPED CAUSE HIS BRONCHIAL TUBES CLOSED UP. FINALLY, ONE OF THE DRS REALIZED THAT HE WASN’T GIVEN THE 5 PREP PILLS AND UPON TAKING THEM THE CHEMO SESSION WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN.
GEO CALLED AROUND 8:30 AND SAID FRANK WAS HOME BY 7:30 AND RESTING IN HIS CHAIR. THE DR SAID THE SIDE AFFECTS USUALLY TAKE 3 DAYS TO HIT SO EXPECT SOMETHING AROUND SATURDAY.
THURS 5/11
NO U/DS TO SPEAK OF. I DIDN’T TALK TO HIM TODAY AS HE IS RESTING AND WAITING FOR HIS KIDS TO VISIT FOR DINNER.
FRI 5/12
FRANK CALLED AT 8:30 AS THEY ARE GOING TO THE EYE SPECIALIST TO FIND THE CAUSE OF THE BLURRED VISION ON HIS RIGHT EYE. HIS VOICE SOUNDS STRONGER AND THE THINKS THE CHEMO IS MAKING HIM FEEL BETTER. THE DR SAID THE EYE IS FINE BUT THERE IS SWELLING BEHIND THE EYE AND HE NEEDS TO SEE ANOTHER SPECIALIST ON TUESDAY.
SAID HE SAW THE KIDS LAST NIGHT AND THEY WATCHED TV AND HUNG OUT. ALL WAS WELL TILL AILENE SAW A BOTTLE OF ANNIE’S RED NAIL POLISH AND IT SET HER OFF. SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE IDEA THAT DADDY IS SEEING SOMEONE OTHER THAN MOM. DAD TELLS HER HE’S DIVORCED BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR OF IT.
GEO TOLD ME TONIGHT THAT FRANK SAID IN THE CAR ON THE WAY BACK FROM THE EXAM THAT HE’S GONNA FIGHT TILL THE END. HE KEEPS DROPPING HINTS THAT HE KNOWS HE’S IN BIG TROUBLE BUT HE’S GONNA FIGHT. I THINK HE’S STILL IN SOME KIND OF DENIAL STAGE.
SAT 5/13
HE WAS TOO TIRED TO MAKE THE GOING AWAY PICNIC FOR GEO’S NIECE AND HUNG HOME WITH HIS KIDS AGAIN. EVIDENTLY, HE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT FRIDAY AS HE’S FACING SOME OF THE SIDE AFFECTS.
SUN 5/14
AGAIN HE HUNG WITH THE KIDS AND DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT FOR ANY MEALS.
MON 5/15
HE IS HAVING SHORTNESS OF BREATH AND STARTING TO HICCOUGH ALL THE TIME. HE’S GUESSIN THESE ARE CHEMO AFFECTS.
GEO IS WORRIED THAT HE IS HURTING MORE THAN HE LEADS ON AS HIS SUPPLY OF PAIN KILLERS IS VANISHING TOO SOON. IS HE GETTING ADDICTED OR IS HE IN TOO MUCH PAIN?
TUES 5/16
GEO TOOK HIM IN FOR THE OTHER SPECIALIST AND I DIDN’T HEAR ANYTHING TILL 1:00ISH. THE DR SAID THE SWELLING IS CAUSED BY THE CANCER…WE BOTH WONDER IF THAT MEANS IT’S IN THE BRAIN? GEO WILL F/U WITH BOB
AT 4:30 GEO CALLS AND SAYS WE NEED TO GO TO SLOAN AND HAVE LINC READMIITED. OH, BOY. THE SHORTNESS OF BREATH IS GETTING WORSE SO DR AZZOLI WANTS HIM BACK IN THE HOSPITAL.
ON THE RIDE OVER IT’S OBVIOUS THAT FRANK IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND HAVING BREATHING ISSUES.
THE CAR RIDE HAS PROVIDED THE MOST INSIGHT INTO HIS PERSONAL THOUGHTS. HE TOLD US HE KNOWS HE WON’T WIN THIS BATTLE…HE WISHES HE HAD SEEN THE DR SOONER WITH THE SYMPTOMS…ALL HIS JOINTS ACHE AND HE IS IN LOTSA PAIN…WHEN I SNEAK A PEEK AT HIS REFLECTION IN THE SIDE VIEW MIRROR AS I SIT BEHIND HIM I’M STRUCK BY THE LOOK OF PAIN AND ALMOST RESIGNATION ON HIS FACE. ONCE I JOKINGLY ASKED WHERE HIS GLASSES WERE SO HE COULD SEE THE CUTE WOMEN OF THE CITY AND HIS RESPONSE WAS “I DON’T CARE ANYMORE’. UGH, THAT KIND OF ANSWER HAS TO BE FUELED BY HIS PAIN AND DISCOMFORT. HE’S BEEN HICCUPING FOR 2 DAYS AND HIS BREATHING IS LABORED.
AFTER 2 HRS OF FIGHTING TUNNEL AND MID TOWN RUSH HR TRAFFIC, I AM FINALLY ABLE TO WALK HIM TO ADMITTING. THEY IMMEDIATELY GOT HIM OXYGEN AND WE LEFT HIM CAUSE WE’D BE THERE FOR 8 MORE HRS TILL HE GOT A ROOM. IN THE URGENT CARE AREA HE’D HAVE A BED SO HE CAN SLEEP.
ON THE RIDE HOME I CALLED BOB AND HE SAID HE’D FOLLOW UP WED AM WITH THE DR AND GET A BETTER IDEA IF THIS IS A REACTION TO THE CHEMO OR THE CANCER AFFECTING HIS BRAIN.
GEORGE WAS MORE EMOTIONAL THAN I’VE SEEN HIM AND IT’S BECAUSE THE REALITY OF LOSING FRANK IS SETTLING IN OUR CONSCIENCES. GEO KEEPS SAYING HOW LIFE IS UNFAIR…WHY DIDN’T FRANK PAY ATTENTION TO THE SYMPTOMS…WHY DIDN’T HE START CHEMO SOONER. I CAN’T ARGUE WITH ANYTHING HE SAYS. I TOLD HIM THAT I FEEL SAD FOR FRANK BUT THAT IT’S HIS FAULT THAT HE IGNORED THE OBVIOUS SYMPTOMS TILL IT WAS TOO LATE. WE BOTH AGREE THAT TONIGHT WHEN HE SPEAKS WITH BOB THEY HAVE TO START TALKING ABOUT THE FUNERAL PLANS ETC.
DINNER AT THE CLOVERLEAF WAS MORE OF THE SAME AND AT ONE POINT ALMOST MELANCHOLY AS WE WERE THINKING OF THE THINGS THAT WE WEREN’T GOING TO DO WITH FRANK.
GEO CALLED AROUND 10:00 AND SAID THAT BOB WILL GO TO VISIT FRANK AND THE DRS AROUND LUNCHTIME TOMORROW AND WE’LL KNOW MORE THEN.
WED 5/17
FRANK CALLED AROUND 3:00 AND SAID HE FINALLY GOT A ROOM AT 2:00PM. HE WAS GIVEN SOME BRONCHIAL MEDICINE AND WAS HOOKED UP TO A BREATHING APPARATUS. FINALLY, HE HAD A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP. HE SLEPT IN THE URGENT CARE ROOM UNTIL 7:00 AND FELT BETTER THAN HE HAS IN A FEW DAYS. HE THINKS HE’S GONNA LEAVE ON THURSDAY BUT I DON’T KNOW IF HE IS IN THE LOOP. THE DRS DID TELL BOB THAT THEY SHOULD CHECK BEHIND HIS EYE INSTEAD OF GOING TO PHILLY NEXT MONDAY. WE NEED TO KNOW IF THE BREATHING ISSUE IS CHEMO RELATED OR IS THE CANCER STARTING TO COMPROMISE HIS RESPITORY SYSTEM.
ANNIE CALLED A FEW TIMES DURING THE DAY ASKING FOR UPDATES AND ALL SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT IS HIM NOT BEING IN PAIN.
GEO CALLED ABOUT 9:45 AND IS UPSET. FRANK HAS BEEN REAL COLD AND SHORT THE PREVIOUS 2 PHONE CALLS. GEO CALLED BOB AND FRANK TOLD BOB THAT GEO IS TOO NEGATIVE. GEO, WHO IS SENSITIVE TO ANY CRITICISM, IS REALLY UPSET WITH FRANK. HE ASKED BOB TO FIND OUT FROM FRANK WHAT’S BUGGIN HIM. I TOLD GEO IT’S SIMPLY FRANK GOING THROUGH THE PHASES OF A TERMINAL ILLNESS. HE WAS IN DENIAL AS EVIDENCED THAT BY HOW HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HIS CANCER…IT’S HIS SITUATION. NOW HE APPEARS TO BE YELLING AT BOTH GEO AND ANNIE…THE TWO PEOPLE WHO MEAN THE MOST TO HIM OUTSIDE OF FAMILY. FRANK TOLD BOB HE DOESN’T WANT GEO DRIVING HIM ANYMORE CAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE HE’S GOING. HELLO, FRANK, I’M IN THE BACK SEAT GIVING DIRECTIONS.
MAYBE TOMORROW WHEN BOB GETS MORE ANSWERS FROM THE DR THEN WE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IS BOTHERING HIM…ASIDE FROM THE BACK THAT HE KNOWS HE IS GOING TO DIE SOON FROM LUNG CANCER.
